As I watched and listened to the Presidential Debates, I heard the arguments through my years as a pastor. To me, Clinton and Trump sounded, looked, and acted less like Presidential Candidates and more like a married couple in the midst of a contemptuous divorce. Regardless of your politics, this election season offers an opportunity like no other to learn about how we relate to one another whether spouse to spouse, parent to child, or one political leader to another.
At the next debate, instead of trying to decide, “Whose winning?”, I encourage you to use the following list from Dr. John Gottman, scientist and therapist, as a scorecard. Gottman offers a practical guide to listening to language and observing nonverbal communication that he calls, The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Gottman chose this striking image of The Four Horsemen because, like in the book of Revelation, one follows right after the other. If you learn to see these behaviors in not just presidential candidates but in yourself and others, then we all can win. Here they are:
Horseman 1: Criticism. A complaint focuses on a particular action while a criticism is broader and passes judgement on the other person’s character or personality using the action as evidence for the conclusion drawn. For example, “I’m really angry that you didn’t sweep the kitchen floor last night. We agreed that we’d take turns doing it,” is a complaint and addresses a specific behavior. “Why are you so forgetful? I hate having to always sweep the kitchen floor when it’s your turn. You just don’t care,” is a criticism. Criticism throws in blame and engages in character assassination. To turn a complaint into a criticism simply shift from what you want to what’s wrong with the person. Here is another example:
Complaint: “There’s no gas in the car. You said you would fill it up. Will you take care of it?”
Criticism: “Why can’t you ever remember anything? I told you a thousand times to fill up the tank, and you didn’t. You are so irresponsible.”
Criticism often gets historical, not hysterical, though that can happen, but the past enters the present as an endless list of examples of the persons flawed nature.
Criticism, focusing on the character of the person, the past as well as the present, and not addressing specific wants and needs, is a common bad habit in relationships. Jesus warned against it in The Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 7: Do not judge, so that you may not be judged. 2 For with the judgment you make you will be judged, and the measure you give will be the measure you get. For Jesus, by passing judgment on others, we pass judgment on ourselves showing our own character more than making evident the deficiencies in others. Passing judgment on a person’s actions is different than judging a persons character or soul. For Gottman, this criticism of other persons or people is common. The danger is when it becomes an accepted pattern because it paves the way for the other, far deadlier behaviors, or as he labeled them, horsemen.
Horseman 2: Contempt. Sarcasm and cynicism are types of contempt. So are name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery, and hostile humor. In whatever form, contempt — the worst of the four horsemen — is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust. It’s virtually impossible to resolve a problem when your partner is getting the message you’re disgusted with him or her. Inevitably, contempt leads to more conflict rather than to reconciliation.
The presence of contempt and perceived contempt in a relationship can manifest itself in physical symptoms. Couples who are contemptuous of each other are more likely to suffer from infectious illnesses (colds, flu, and so on) than other people. Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about the other. You’re more likely to have such thoughts if your differences are not resolved. As disagreeing persists, complaints turn into global criticisms, which produces more and more disgusted feelings and thoughts, and finally you are fed up with your spouse, a change that will affect what you say when you argue.
Horseman 3: Defensiveness. When conversations become so negative, critical, and attacking, it should come as no surprise that you will defend yourself. Although this is understandable, research shows that this approach rarely has the desired effect. The attacking spouse does not back down or apologize. This is because defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner. You’re saying, in effect, “The problem isn’t me, it’s you.” Defensiveness denies personal responsibility, as if a persons choices all originate from the other. “I only did that because you…” Defensiveness never defuses a conflict. Defensiveness escalates, which is why it’s so deadly.
Criticism, Contempt, and Defensiveness don’t always gallop in strict order. They function more like a relay match — handing the baton off to each other over and over again. The more defensive one becomes, the more the other attacks in response. Nothing gets resolved, thanks to the prevalence of criticism, contempt, and defensiveness. Much of these exchanges are communicated subtly (and not so subtly) through body language and sounds.
Horseman 4: Stonewalling. In relationships where criticism and contempt lead to defensiveness, which leads to more contempt and more defensiveness, eventually one partner tunes out. So enters the fourth horseman. Think of the husband who comes home from work, gets met with a barrage of criticism from his wife, and hides behind the newspaper. The less responsive he is, the more she yells. Eventually he gets up and leaves the room. Rather than confronting his wife, he disengages. By turning away from her, he is avoiding a fight, but he is also avoiding his marriage. He has become a stonewaller. During a typical conversation between two people, the listener gives all kinds of cues to the speaker that he’s paying attention. He may use eye contact, nod his head, say something like “Yeah” or “Uh-huh.” A stonewaller doesn’t give you this sort of casual feedback. He tends to look away or down without uttering a sound. He sits like an impassive stone wall. The stonewaller acts as though he couldn’t care less about what you’re saying, if he or she hears it. Stonewalling usually arrives later in the course of relationships than the other three horsemen. It takes time for the negativity created by the first three horsemen to become overwhelming enough that stonewalling becomes an understandable “out.”
Gottman’s work is very helpful. He also shows how starting with criticism of a person’s nature , who he or she is instead of focusing on a person’s action, what Jesus called “Judging,” can lead to contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling and then to divorce, or in the case of a nation, Congress.
I hope this list helps provide a learning opportunity from this political election cycle and can liberate us all from the destructive relationship cycles we find ourselves. For more about Gottman’s “Four Horsemen” go to: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
